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Jessica Ayers whose husbandwas killed by Charles Shisler writes essay about grieving

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His sporadic messages slowly became more common, and after 18 months he was sending me regular texts — asking if we could talk and even saying that he missed me.

After so long being on tenterhooks, it was an enormous relief. We were so close, I felt, to getting our marriage back. We met in a Hampshire pub. Over the next few weeks, we met for lunch a few times. Even then, my feelings of disgust at his behaviour were outweighed by my love for him. Despite the fact that Brian had hurt Helen badly she still wanted him back.

She was a divorcee ten years his senior, someone he had known many years before. Brian loved the attention she gave him — attention I had been too busy to offer him, he reminded me.

You might be amazed, but I was still hopelessly in love with him. So I found myself in the bizarre situation of seeing my own husband discreetly while he was still living with his mistress. Three months later, I gently asked Brian if he wanted to come home — and was overjoyed when he said he did.

Friends and family were stunned that I was willing to try to save my marriage. I realised we had to make big changes if our marriage was to stand any chance, so I made more time for us as a couple. In response, Brian seemed more appreciative of me — at least to begin with.

He made me lovely meals and was attentive and loving. Maybe it was a guilty conscience, but he seemed much more respectful of me. Often after an affair, as Helen experienced, it is hard to truly accept what has happened and move on. It soon became clear that his betrayal had changed me irrevocably. Then came that weekend in when I was to visit my aunt in Devon.

By that time, Brian had been back for just under a year. Suddenly I looked at him and realised in a blinding flash that I no longer had feelings for him. I just felt nothing. I think, subconsciously, my feelings for him had long changed — and suddenly, in that one moment, it all came to the surface. For the first time in nearly 30 years, there was nothing there.

It was as if a switch had been flipped. When I left our house, all I had with me was an overnight bag with three pairs of knickers, a bra, two changes of clothes, some make-up and toiletries, and my pyjamas. A year and a half later, he got in touch by text message, asking if I was all right and saying that he missed me. The effort it took to forgive him left me emotionally spent. According to mutual friends, Brian is still interested in a reconciliation, but I have started my life afresh.

I stayed with friends for about eight months, and by then I was sure in my heart that my marriage was over. About two and a half years ago, I moved into a rented flat about 40 miles from where I lived with Brian, and furnished it with second-hand stuff. The battle to win Brian back ended our marriage — but in the end it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

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Jessica Ayers, now 33, fell in love with her husband Justin when she was only 14 years old. He was 16 at the time and most people believed their teenage romance would fade away. But their love grew stronger and the pair got married a year after Jessica graduated high school.

They spent a decade as a married couple before tragedy struck their Panama City, Florida home. Jessica Ayers left , now 33, fell in love with her husband Justin right when she was just 14 years old.

They tied the knot a year after she graduated high school. The couple welcomed their first child, a boy named Jax pictured left with his father and right with his mother in June Justin was shot and killed a day after they brought him home. Jessica gave birth to their first child, a son named Jax, in June Some complications meant the family had to spend an extra day in the hospital. But the pair brought Jax home after three days. The next day, Justin was just getting up from the sofa when a bullet hit him in the head.

Their neighbor, thenyear-old convicted felon Charles Shisler, later pleaded guilty to manslaughter and in May was sentenced to 14 years in prison. Shisler, who also pleaded guilty to possession of methamphetamine and possession of a firearm by a felon, told police that his gun had gone off after he picked it up by the trigger, Al.

Justin pictured died after getting hit by a stray bullet. He and Jessica were avid musicians and had written and recorded an album together. Jessica told in an essay how she saw Justin die at their home in Panama City, Florida pictured and how she struggled to cope in the days and months that followed.

The bullet traveled more than feet before it hit Justin in the head, going through a window screen, some trees and a glass door. She and Justin were both avid musicians and had written and recorded an album together.

Jessica ended up alone in the bathroom the next day and felt that she had lost the will to live. She was in the bathroom to take a shower.

I wanted to die. Friends and relatives pleaded with her to come out.

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